Post Your Jokes!

jmanz

I bought you the sims
Members
Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve,

Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone

should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do

it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and

she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I

said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".
 

jthock

Lumberjack
Members
LOL, nice

I googled "hilarious jokes" and found this

A humble crab fell into love with Princess Lobster, and she with him. They enjoyed an idyllic relationship but one day Princess Lobster came to Crab in floods of tears saying that King Lobster would not let her see Crab any more.
"But why?" gasped the humble crab.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," sobbed the princess. "You're a lower class of crustacean, and anyway, you walk sideways."

Crab was shattered and scuttled away to drink himself into forgetfulness. That night was the occasion of the great Lobster Ball.

Lobsters came from far and near for feasting and merrymaking. Only Princess Lobster sat by her father's side, inconsolable. Suddenly, the doors flew open. It was the humble crab. Slowly, painstakingly, he made his way to the throne - walking straight, one claw after another. Step by painful step he approached until he looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally Crab spoke up: "Fuck, I'm pissed!"

LOL I chortled.
 

ndboarder

Bill Gates' Gimp
Members
LOL... good ones guys... Here's a computer one that comes to my mind at the moment, was on my google homepage a few days back

The day Microsoft creates a product that doesn't suck will likely be the day they begin manufacturing vacuum cleaners.
 

nodle

Cheesemonger
Administrator
Saw this and found it funny :smt005

 

jmanz

I bought you the sims
Members
Subject: Sitting in a bar.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his Glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!"

The Kentucky boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice!!"

God Bless America
 

Robyn

Circus seal
Members
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

:smt064
 

jmanz

I bought you the sims
Members
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm' date=' soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

:smt064[/quote']

LOL good one!
 

ndboarder

Bill Gates' Gimp
Members
Three guys decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "See the tracks. Follow the tracks. Shoot the buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a bear. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "See the tracks. Follow the tracks. Shoot the bear."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "See the tracks. Follow the tracks. Get hit by the train!"
 

ndboarder

Bill Gates' Gimp
Members
I know it isn't tuesday (plus I already posted one in here today) but I ran across this and have to share it.

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."
 

Robyn

Circus seal
Members
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: That driver just insulted me! The man says: You go right up there and tell him off go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.

:smt044
 

jmanz

I bought you the sims
Members
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun-fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real

breasts and men didn't hold hands.
 

nodle

Cheesemonger
Administrator
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850' date=' in California?
California became a state.

The State had no electricity.

The State had no money.

Almost everyone spoke Spanish.

There were gun-fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real

breasts and men didn't hold hands.[/quote']

:smt028 :smt043
 
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